Ok, for the record, I will say this twice: You can have my money, but you can keep the song.

Yes, the horrible events in Haiti are a tragedy that has become a worldwide phenomena of help, causes, charities, donantions, celebrity drives, and lots of other stuff. Even former presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush have joined together in their own campaign to get help for donations. This was sort of a red flag for me in terms of what is in Haiti that we want so bad? Indonesia did not get a song for the tsunami (oh, but the New Orleans Saints did!). Ok, so all the political stuff aside, we now have a new endeavor which is in the form of a rehash of the Michael Jackson/Quincey Jones production of 'We Are the World' back in 1985 when Africa was in need of food. Michael Jackson, in his prime, wrote an amazing song with some of the top performers of the time. That song seemed to resonate well enough with the public as it was original, catchy and quite frankly, sounded really good.

Here we are, 25 years later in another disaster that calls for our attention. It is essentially the same song written by Michael, except with new singers and MJ thrown in for posterity and emotional value. So, before I go on my rant, watch the video.

Ok, I am not a musical expert and I could barely recognize most of the people singing in this video, but this does not mean I have no taste. I dont consider myself to be on the pulse of modern music, but I have my list of guilty pleasure music, and I am not ashamed to admit that listening to Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' can be fun. I even on occasion have listened to Brittney Spears among other pop queens. Sure, I grew up in the 80's and so a lot of my musical formation happened then, which is in the midst of Michael Jackson, Duran Duran and in the wake of classic rock bands of Led Zeppelin, Queen, The Eagles and others.

So, this morning when I saw that hulu.com had the video of We Are The World 25 for Haiti, I was definitely curious to see what they did to this once classic song. As it begins, I already sensed the difference and I started to get worried already. So my reference at this point is Wikipedia which lists the performers in order of appearance, which is helpful because this video has so much editing, both visually and auditorily that I feel like it was a patchwork piece made after everyone left. 

The video itself opens with an appeal from Jamie Fox about something that happened in Hait and the undertone of "we want your money" written all over it. Ok, so then it opens with Justin Bieber (who?!). Followed by Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls. Then we hear Jennifer Hudson and then Jennifer Nettles, overlapped by Josh Groban. Comes in the classic Tony Bennet makes his assertion. So here they throw in MJ for a line of the chrous. I suppose it seems appropriate, but not really sure if it truly fits in this version. It becomes too much of a throwback for me, and I want to hear the original again. This is overlapped with Janet Jackson (the video montage is so bad!). But their voices are indistinguishable. Barbara Streisand comes out with her Broadway version.

Miley Cyrus opens the next verse. Enruqie Iglasius is there to back her up (with like 4 other people who do nothing). Back to Barabra. And then Jamie Foxx (huh?). Then Wyclef Jean decides to take this song in a whole new direction. This is where things go from mediocre to bad. We have just listened to what is basically a remake of the original, and now there are new words. Not just new words, but words that I dont understand. It could be English. It could be Haitian. It could be babble for all I know. But I am not sure what his vibrating voice is all about. I almost laughed when I heard this. Adam Levine chimes in with Pink picking it up from there. Pink probably has one of the best singing voice in this whole collection of entertainers (dare I say singers?). Then Bibi Winans. Yes! he made it, thank god!

Another throwback to Michael Jackson from the original song and video. Usher, who is next, just cant compete with MJ, sorry, but thats just the bare facts. Now we have raised the bar and included Celine Dion, who I must say, in comparison, does a pretty good job, despite that I could never seriously listen to her music with a straight face. Fergie gets the emotional climactic line of "stand together as one" and mouses out a strenuous tone.

So here, the entire chorus, of all who are present, some 50 or 60 people come together to sing "We Are the World" and it sounds like maybe 6 or 7 singing to an embarassed audience. But here, Wikipedia is not helping me because it says Nick Jonas, presumably of the Jonas brothers sings, but its either Norah Jones or that other chick from the Pussycat Dolls. But Jonas does come in to sing a pick-up line. Ok, so now Toni Braxton picks it up a notch by wailing some noises. It looks like Braxton and Mary Mary go back and forth with each other with Tony Bennet in the mix and some other people. I really cant keep track at this point.

The AutoTune Trio: Lil Wayne breaks out with his schtick.  Now then comes in Akon. I have no idea who that is. Never heard of him. But there he is! Complete with AutoTune. Then T-Pain, another name I so recognize (sarcasm implied). Yes, he also came with AutoTune. Sounds terrible! (I am not sure if I got all the names right, but the song remains the same. I am sure I will be corrected).

I am not sure how to take Jamie Foxx's impression of Ray Charles. Now I realize he played Ray Charles in the film Ray, which he won an Academy Award, and I believe he sang all the songs in the film as well. But here its almost as if he is doing a charactature of him as he laughs, as if it was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek.

Alright. Now that part of the song is over, we need some new material, right? An insteresting choice is to have LL Cool J write these new rap lyrics. Of all of this, I actually found this to be the best part of the song. It was so refreshing to get away from that mess of a rehash that it was like "hey! that sounds cool!" It sounds current, it sounds focused and is more believable. Some of the classic rappers along with LL are Snoop Dog and Busta Rhymes. I vaguely heard of Will.i.am. But I must say, watching the video is a little funny with these hardcore rappers alongside some of these other more contemporary singers. It reminds me of the Phil Donahue episode where he had Two Live Crew singing on his show to a group of middle-aged white people. Well, maybe not that bad, but its a good place to plug Phil Donahue and Two Live Crew.

This cool moment of classic LL Cool J rap lyrics is completely shot down by something nauseating spewed by Wyclef. Now everyone is singing their hardest. I mean, they are really trying. You can see it in their faces. No sweat, but a lot of squishing their faces and big mouths.  Lil Wayne contributes to more disruption and we end with Kanye "stealing" the show (heh). Not really. Ok, so the ending is pretty basic with an acapella version until the final syllables are said. Something like "ah ah ah -iety." Not really sure.

This song runs about 7 minutes. If for some reason you really liked the song, the video decides to repeat the entire song through the credits. Now that means, for this production, there are another 7 minutes to roll the credits. Thats a pretty big production. Given what you just saw, its quite obvious this was a big affair. But overall, one cannot deny there are way too many cooks in this kitchen. Excuse the cliche, but if this was a restaraunt, you would probably get something equivalent to what Cafe World serves like a Raddish Cake or Stardust Soup or Alien Monkey Brain Stew. 

If you confuse my berating the song with any lack of sympathy for Haiti, then you have missed the point entirely. A song is a song. If you don't think I like modern music, so be it. No one is listening to Band Aid's "Feed the World - Do They Know It's Christmas" and sending food to Ethiopia today. No. It is played in the same rotation as Jingle Bell Rock. And this song too will eventually follow suit (or preferably the original). I expect DVDs, CD singles, downloads, LPs, digital broadcasts, etc., etc everywhere until the song is more obnoxious than it already is. But something must be said about this atrocity. The song is overproduced and seems to have no balance of range, tone or even control. Its like a bunch of ego's do not want to step on the other ego's toes, so they let everyone do how they think it should be done and its followed by "that was great". Quincy Jones might have been conducting, but I am not sure he would know how to conduct this group, nor would anyone else for that matter. There was no strong voice within it, and no thread to weave the listener to carry them through it. Its one jolt after another. The voices don't go well next to each other and finally, its a remake.

In the 80's, there were tons of All-Star compilation songs, all of which were unique and good songs on their own. Besides USA for Africa and Band Aid, there was the Northern Lights song from Canada "Tears Are Not Enough" (yes, its very 80's). Then a heavy metal version from a group Hear'n'Aid in repsonse to the success of USA and Feed. Their song Stars, led by Ronie James Dio had minor success. Voices That Care for Desert Storm led by Peter Cetera. Hands Across America was an event for the homeless in America where 5 million people held hands for 15 minutes at a single time, which stretched about 4,000 miles (the video is a little corny). In 1985, the group Artists United Against Apartheid formed led by Steven Van Zandt as a protest against apartheid in South Africa. The song was called Sun City and had a relatively urban style (is that the right word?) to it compared to the traditional contemporary style music with the previous bands (you can see Bono without shades!! Also Miles Davis contributed - anything is possible). 

As a footnote, it was pointed out to me that in the past Band Aid had also updated their song Feed the World (equally bland), which I was unaware of. Also, the first singer of this version of We Are the World 25 is Justin Bieber, which, after some exploring, found out he was discovered on YouTube. Yep. That is the kinda of talent they are reeling in these days. I also discovered there was a song for Indonesia called Come Together Now and was written in part by Sharon Stone (don't ask me).

In the end, this version of We Are the World does not resonate with me. Some people will definitely like it, while others will find it lacking. You can download the song at their website and donate for the song as well at http://wearetheworldfoundation.org. 

Yes, you can have my money, but you can keep the song.