Ok, forget this movie, I have a better idea.

 

Imagine, in an alternate universe, where things appear similar, but are not quite the same. Imagine in the 70’s, George Lucas just finished hammering out his strange space operatic script that he called “A New Hope”. He pitches the idea around to all the studios, and, while it sounded interesting, science fiction was phasing out at the time with all the psychedelia happening. He marches on and continues to get turned down. He approaches Twentieth Century Fox, and, again, while they liked the script, they decided to pass on it.

            George is desperate and wants to make this movie, as it’s his passion, his love, his creation! So he tries selling to some over seas markets. He comes across a small production company called S.I.G.M.A. who are looking to finance their first feature film. Having heard of this Mr. Lucas from his ‘Graffiti Americano’ and his other strange sci-fi film THX-1138, they give him a chance. The drawback to this is that its on a shoe-string budget, and they want more sex in the film and they might have to rewrite some of the scenes. Reluctantly, Lucas agrees. The story goes like this:

 

(for reference, please refer to the bottom of the page for the character key)

 

            The film starts off with cool dude Luke (played by Vassili Carris), who enters a bar, sees a foxy young lady, all sparkly-eyed and they make eye contact. He approaches the bar and orders the house favorite, the Uranus Milk. While he ordered and laughing with the commoners, another man, Han Solo (Venantino Venantini), decides to sit next to the girl he had eyes for. When Luke sees this, he decides to kick some ass.

            After taking him down, Luke, and the girl, Leia (Sirpa Lane), go upstairs for some sexual interludes (this is before Luke realizes it is her sister). After they fall asleep together, she wakes up from a startling dream about a man in a dress who is chasing her through forests wanting to have sex with her. The man is dark and vengeful and only after her sex. She does not know who he is or if it’s only a dream that she should be concerned, but it’s a recurring dream.

            Later, we Luke is back in the bar and again, we see Han. Han is more sober this time and wants to kick Luke’s ass. Han is a better fighter when sober, but not good enough. Luke is the victor, and this time, he gets to go home with a different girl. What happened to Leia at this point is not known, but we humble audience goes are happy enough to forget little facts like that.

            Aboard the USS X-Wing Fighter, Captain Luke at the helm and introduced to his crew with one of them being, of course, Leia (the crew, incidentally is conveniently split with 3 women and 3 men, which will serve its reasons later on). Surprised, nervous and shocked (you can see it in their faces, but you have to really look for those subtleties). Their mission is find the all-pervading Force that Luke found in a vile at the bar. Their destination is the Death Star. This Force, found at the Death Star, has the capacity to keep an entire planet healthy and alive.

            Before they get to the planet, they get into a space dog fight with Han who is racing them to the Death Star to get more Force for himself. When their X-Wing is damaged, they decide to land on the planet nearby (luckily, it is the planet they were looking for). Meanwhile, Han in his Millennium Falcon races on.

            Landing on the planet, they happy to report the air is breathable for humans, so they disembark only to find a very large droid (whom we’ll call C3-P0) that seemingly wants to attack them, but it taking its time doing so. Ok, so that’s nothing big, because we will cut to them walking through the forest. This swampy, misty, sandy, foresty part of the planet is known as Dagobah. Soon, they are all in various types of swoons for whatever reason, but they are highly in tune with their emotions. They spot 2 horses copulating and the women are turned on. The men state they feel violent and want to tear things apart. Leia announces she feels “torpid inside" (huh? torpid? who says that?!). Why all these emotions, you might wonder.

            They see a large castle. It is called The Death Star. They all enter and suddenly find themselves trapped. They continue on this treacherous journey. Again, more access to their feelings when they all feel dizzy. The crew realizes that Leia is missing and so they look for her. After going back down one hallway, they realize they cant find her. Luckily, a bright white light takes them out of that area of the Death Star and Luke wakes up to find himself in an Arabian-type robe with lots of pillows, blankets, wine, etc. The makings of an Emmanuelle Around the World encounter. In walks the rest of the cast all loosely dressed along with Han and the large dude Leia saw in her dream, the dreaded Darth Vader (cue music).

            Some dialogue ensues that is not overly important, except for the fact that they know Vader has the Force, and Luke and Han want it, each for their own reasons. When Vader claps his hands (ala the Clapper), in walks the Stormtroopers who bring lots of good foods to eat. This produces sensual states within the guests as they are immediately on the floor fondling and groping each other.

            Vader, alone, sipping his wine, looks at Leia with a presence that he has not felt since…

            Meanwhile, all of the other party guests are hitting it off just great. As the intergalactic orgy persues, Leia and Vader get up and walk around and look on the lovemakers with curiosity and, perhaps, even inspiration. But there is trepidation and hesitation with Leia, as if something within her knows its not right, but she goes along with it unable to resist his commanding stature.

            Suddenly and without warning, we find ourselves outside in the forest where a couple is making love on the ground. Here Vader makes his move. He puts on his best Jedi mind tricks to get her in the mood and, for the most part it works. She initially resists, but he is too powerful to say no to (not to mention his good looks).

            This goes on for about a good 20-30 minutes, intermittently cut with the rest of the crew in equal states of sexual ecstasy.

            We come back to the dining room where everyone is asleep. Han decides to wake Luke up and give him a pill to wake up his consciousness from the “dream”. Once he realizes that they were over the spell of the Great Emperor, they wake everyone up and give the pill as well.

            They all get back in their space suits and are soon fighting the Stormtroopers. Shot for shot, the Stormtroopers miss every time, while our all-star crew hits every time. Luke them finds himself in a lightsaber fight with the Stormtroopers which he handles expertly and kills them all swiftly and easily. They all continue to race back to the ship. But first, Han and Luke must confront the Emperor who guards the mystical Force. So they too play some mind tricks by pretending to be his friend. Luke cant keep a straight face on this and is insulting in the dialogue. This upsets the Emperor and so starts to lash out. Han throws a grenade at him which messes the Emperor up. Oh yeah, meanwhile, in all of this fighting, Leia and Vader are still getting it on. It is not known at this point whether Leia knows Vader is her father or not, but it would show that neither of them care.

            Killing the Emperor effectively kills Vader (who states he was 800 years old), at which point they steal the Force and run off. Leia, who sees Vader die, gets dressed and heads for the ship, but not before C3-P0 gets a piece of the action who comes up to her and takes her night gown off and lays her down and does her robotic style. This is all interspersed with other sexual imagery.

            They all get on the ship and get ready to go. After a few more Stormtroopers shoot at the ship as it takes off, they are finally safe and away from danger. In their rear view mirror, they see the planet explode in a volcanic eruption.

            We end seeing Han on the videoprompter happy to report he has the Force and it should sell very well on the second market.

 

The End.

           

            Meanwhile, back in the States, director Al Bradley is happy to report his contract with Twentieth Century Fox and they signed a deal to shoot a small science fiction film called “The Beast in Space”.

 

Ok, so it did not really turn out that way. But as I was watching the film, there were unintentional similarities. The Beast in Space was made in 1980, so maybe some elements of Star Wars made it into the film. Needless to say, the film is awful in every way. It is no wonder that this movie was the only film SIGMA had produced. But it’s wonderful if you watch it with some friends who can laugh at horrible movies. I picked up the XXX version because, I prefer the longer version to whatever extent made it longer. While this is the hardcore version, they are all inserts and so, it makes for a choppy release. In fact, it was not until about the hour mark that I questioned that the DVD was burned with the right print as all the scenes were softcore. But once I saw that the inserts were there, then I understood. But after a while, the sex in the film was so out of place that it did not even make sense anymore, not even on a pornographic level. At least porn is cohesive. The editor of this film must have been out of his mind, either that or this was a film that was edited in the can. While there are miles and miles of comments one can make about this film, I will just leave it to you to experience, but it truly is an original all by itself. As original as Star Wars but at the opposite end of the spectrum. I have not seen the other version of this film, but I can gather what happens. Its really not different. In fact, the differences are the special features. In this version there is a montage of all the hardcore stuff, which evidently are “deleted scenes”, but a lot of them look the same as all the inserts. When I watched these, I thought to myself, why didn’t Severin just insert these in the movie because all of the inserts in the film are just randomly placed anyway, who would know the difference? Otherwise, there is the hardcore trailer. In the “Unrated Version”, it comes with an interview and a trailer of the proper film.

            So that’s my saga with this one! Classic in every way, and Severin is awesome at finding these attic or basement nuggets.

 

Star Wars / Beast in Space Character Key

 

Luke Skywalker = Captain Larry

Han Solo = Juan Cardaoso

Princess Leia = Sondra

Darth Vader = Big Hairy Satyr

Emperor = CPU

Stormtroopers = Sexy Stormtroopers

Chewbacca = remaining crew

C3-P0 = Giant Robot

Degobah = Planet

Death Star = Castle

Ben Kenobi = N/A?

R2-D2 = horses

The Force = Antalium

Mos Eisley Cantina = The Bar

Sex Scenes = Plot